People think they know what I'm thinking and how I feel because of the last conversations I've had with them. I don't really talk to anyone about my feelings since I've learned to keep them to myself. Even if I were to feel a certain way, I wouldn't tell you. Even If I were incredibly happy or extremely bummed, I wouldn't tell anybody. Emotions just kept to themselves and I'd suffer quietly alone.

"I used to.."

I used to play the piano all the time but now I barely even touch the keys. I used to read endlessly but now I can't even finish "The witch of portobello"

All the things I used to love doing has been thrown to the side of the curb. Did I do those things more often when I was more independent? When my mind wasn't occupied by hard feelings and years of suppressed bitterness. I used to enjoy going to work everyday but now I dread fulfilling the required hours. Maybe different surroundings are the result to my changing behavior. I feel like I've been treated unfairly and I'm finally choosing to speak up. Yeah, voicing my opinion when it's too damn late.

What is the deal with my mood swings?

It's such a shame and a waste everytime. I can never seem to get a good grasp on it. I run and I run without looking back. It makes me sad but there's nothing else I know but to step with my right in front of my left. Making it to become a continuous pattern. My own invented instinct for which only I am able to use.

I have 45 minutes until I need to wake up to get ready for work. It's going to be crazy today. Hmmmmmmmmm the things I write are indirect so don't misinterpret. It's 5:48 AM.. What to do, what to do?

The man who can't be moved

He's always wearing the same black metallic shirt with the deepest shade of green sweat pants. I wonder if that's his only pair of clothes. Does he know the meaning of an expanded wardrobe? That sounds a little harsh coming from me, a person he supposedly loves. He used to be extremely handsome. Greek God's features. Strong jaw bone structure, cheeks that were high as mount everest. Maybe I'm exaggerating his cheek bones but the height is pretty noticeable at a glance. A tattoo of an eagle covers his used to be toned but now scrawny chest. Is it wrong to pity someone who used to or still does love you? My heart sinks every time I see him. Sometimes I feel like time is running out with him. He was pretty talented. Played the piano, guitar, and was the lead singer in the church choir. I know I inherited my high cheek bones and many talents from him. Not that he played everything I play, just that he had the ability and hidden skill to do so. The majority of us(4/6) play the piano. If he never sang in the choir and never exposed us to the black and white keys then we probably would have never taken an interest. Poor man. Too bad He'll never know my love for him until he dies.

If it kills me

My title sounds a bit dramatic doesn't it? It's a line from Jason Mraz's - If it kills me (one of my favorites).

"What a beautiful mess this is.."..It's playing on pandora. He's a genius..in composing lyrics that is. Clever man with a laid back swagger. I remember when I fell in love with this song..good times.

I'm tired of school. I just want to finish and let it be done with. Move on to explore the world to the point where I'm fully satisfied. It's like quenching your thirst. Drinking enough of it to get rid of the dryness in your throat.

"Yes, it could be worse.."

I'm writing in hopes that my headache may somewhat go away and that my mind will be more focused after releasing my crazed thoughts.

I always find myself end up saying those three words, "What to do?"..in situations that require a few months and a day to figure out. Don't know what is good for me, who is good for me. Mmmmmmm.
I was a proud owner of a tumblr account before I switched to blogspot. Reason why I didn't keep it? Don't really know. Maybe I erased it because I wrote about my deepest thoughts and didn't want to be reminded of it anymore. Past entries tend to bring up past pain which can interfere with present thinking. Ready to let go and move on to other sites. Magnificent Brunette. I still like the site name I created for it though. Has a little ring to it, don't you think? =]

Tired of writing about my heart.

Raw sugar

My skin has grown accustomed to expecting random splashes of water on my face.
The taste of NaCl on my lips isn't surprising anymore.
Blurred vision became a habit.

Valves seem to be having a mind of their own these days. Suffocating themselves to inflict damage and persuading other veins to induce heart pain. My blood flows in the wrong direction of right; causing poor blood circulation and reason for my disorderly conduct. Instead of thinking and acting accordingly through logical decisions my brain generates, my actions are executed through commands from my heart. Crazy thing that heart is. Creating unbearable and unpleasant situations of humiliation due to actions from impulse.